I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
