the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
