she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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