I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
