You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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