Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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