i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
