someone threw a dead crab at me
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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