Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
