so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
