community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
