yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
