i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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