Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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