which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
