everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
