I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
