he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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