so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
