I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's shark week go big or go home
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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