you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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