Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
