I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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