I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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