Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
