I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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