I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
