I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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