she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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