I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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