I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
