didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just puked most of my soul out..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
