Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
