My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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