you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
