He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
