the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I want to be your penis for a week.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i now understand why vodka
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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