I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
