Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
