I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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