My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
