forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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