dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
