I wish I could teleport
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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