My friends, they love my intelligence
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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