This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
