the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
