i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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