i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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