just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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