Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
