dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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